Do you think it’s possible to be happily single? I do, and it’s because I am.
Recently I was on the phone with a friend of mine back in Georgia, and he casually asked me if there was anyone that had come along yet, and I stopped him before he could even begin and said “No, honestly ____ men in general are the last thing on my mind, I’ve had a couple of guys hit on me but, in all honesty my priorities are elsewhere and that’s where they are going to stay because I have other things like my career that are taking the front seat.”
His response was supportive. I think he only brought the subject up because he’d spent the weekend with another girl and knew that it would bug me, and he was trying to get my mind off of it, I’d kind of already filled him in on that factor because, I knew the second that he said he was going out of town that, that was the case, and it did bug me because, I’ve only been gone a month and he’s already out hooking up with other women. We haven’t had anything between us in years, it shouldn’t bother me but, I’m being honest and saying that it did because it’s a part of my own list of insecurities that what I’ve been through with both him, and the last one created in me.
I’m happy single because I can focus on me, I’m happy single because I don’t have to worry about who my significant other, boyfriend or, fiance is out having casual sex with on the side making me feel that never ending pain of “not being good enough” or not being enough. I won’t get into everything I’ve been through internally over the years, I won’t get into all of my fears, and phobias that the two men that have been in my life have created inside of me but, what I will get into is the fact that it’s nice to not have to worry about babysitting a man for a change, it’s nice not caring what I look like all day every day, and it’s nice sitting around relaxing in sweats today before I go back to the 9-5 thing tomorrow.
Forgetting about men has been a good thing, I’ve spent a ton of time with family lately, I’ve landed myself a full time position with a company that I’ve wanted to work for since I was young, in that position I’ll have a ton of room for advancement to other departments even though I’m starting out in a managerial position. It’s an exciting time for me, it’s a time when I’ll be able to work, and continue to build all at the same time because, I’m laying the foundation of what is to come in the coming month, year, and years, and no man is ever going to destroy that again for me.
Being single has it’s advantages, I’ve never really been a bar or club goer but, it is nice to be able to sit around and enjoy a pizza and beer with family or, a ____ navel (whatever your preference) on the lake over the weekend. I wanted more for my life, I wanted what I wanted, and nothing that I ever did in Georgia ever seemed to get me to where I wanted to be, and deserved to be maybe here it’ll be a different story because, life is what we make it but, at the same time you have to work to achieve our dreams, and goals, and not settle for less than what it is that we ultimately want.
Where do you aspire to be? Are you happily single, not looking, and finding that it’s working out better in your favor when it comes to other areas of your career – I’d love to hear your stories, and thoughts.
This morning I found myself looking at yet another picture of my ex. I’ll leave “her” out of this we all know that I have my opinions about “her” but, this isn’t about “her” this is about him, and it’s because what I saw is the same thing I always see; he’s miserable. The picture itself is misleading, they are together, they are both smiling but, there’s no sparkle in his eyes, instead they are full of pain, and they are full of hurt, and even though most people think that I should laugh about that it’s just not something I choose to do because, that isn’t the appropriate thing to do.
I want him to be happy but, the fact is that he’s not and every picture that gets posted online of him tells both myself and his sister the very same thing every single time.
We know him better than even “she” does. She’s in love with love, and he’s in love with appeasement. What they have isn’t love it’s convenience, and until he figures that out nothing will change.
His words “I can know what you want, everyone else can know what you want but, until you know what you want nothing will change.” I realized a long time ago that his words that day in December of 2012 were never for me but, instead they were for him. They resonated with me and made me think, yes but, those words were never suppose to be for me, they were for himself coming out of his own mouth because, someone had said the same words to him. Was he looking for appeasement from his parents all along? Is that all he really cares about and ever cared about? Does he not realize that appeasement in this case comes with a pricetag of an unfulfilling marriage, and entering into marriage for all the wrong reasons which means that the marriage will not be blessed?
I wouldn’t want that, and I can’t imagine anyone wanting to appease their parents that much – it must be a pretty hefty trust fund / inheritance that he’s waiting on but the thing is, is money could never mean that much to me, I don’t care how much that sum totaled out to be it would never mean as much as what it is that him and I once did have, and probably still could have if he would stop playing all of these ridiculous games that include lying to everyone including himself.
His eyes in that picture that was posted Sunday afternoon do not lie, he’s not happy, he’s looking for a way out, he’s looking for an escape but, will he find one before it’s to late and he puts that final ring on her finger? That’s the thing about AG churches – Divorce isn’t an option if your dream is to become a pastor, or missionary – once he says I do there is no going back unless one of the two of them dies.
Does he deserve to be miserable a part of me says yes but, there’s a part of me that is sitting here saying the same thing that I always have and that’s that my heart does feel sorry for him because reality says what perception doesn’t, and that reality is that he knows exactly what the real truth is, and he knows that I know him better than to believe the fake smile. His eyes don’t lie because, they can’t.
1600 miles of distance has done me a lot of good but, there is a part of me that wonders if my Aunt was right, and I should have stuck it out a few more days after his parents left just to be sure. I wonder if them leaving would have changed anything, my head says no, but maybe my heart will always wonder…
You know those songs that you just can’t listen to after a breakup? You know which ones I mean; they are the ones that use to make you say I’m going to keep fighting because I know there is something there that is worth fighting for, and I refuse to give up; yeah those songs….
I won’t give up on us by Jason Miraz use to be that song for me, and for the longest time even after I broke up with Mr. C. it was the song that kept making me question if I had made the right choice, and made me doubt my self because I really did want to see us work out but it just didn’t happen.
I haven’t been able to listen to that song, but yesterday as we were on the lake with a massive hill in between us, and the stereo that prevented us from climbing that stupid thing and changing the song my baby cousin and I looked at each other because it’s one of those songs for her too and me being massively drunk decided to change the words to the song and it went a little something like this:
“I’m so glad I gave up on us, cause you are a piece of shit, you and your mother are psychopaths, you were never worth it….”
The girl’s just looked at me and laughed their asses off, while my cousin Allie was laughing her ass off, she said “____, I never thought that you would ever say that about him but, the day has finally arrived, and she looked at her sister and said, now it’s your turn.”
My baby cousin and I are identical, there is a reason she has always been my favorite, and I’m learning that it’s because we are very much alike from our personalities, to our nature, to the type of guys that we typically are attracted to. We both like the bad boy types that have good in them. For me, I look for the balance ok 51/49 but for her she typically gets 80/20 and has spent the last several years with an asshole like my ex who has been emotionally and mentally abusive to her, he’s narcissitic, manipulative, and pulled the same garbage on her that Mr. C did with me.
I think I finally figured out a way to listen to those songs again, change the words up, and it won’t make you think twice about your decisions.
Have you ever had an ahhhaaa moment like that? What song lyrics have you changed in order to be able to listen to a particular song again?
This morning Mr. W and I sat out on the porch and enjoyed our coffee, he’d already called it a day, and only really showed up to see me. Was I flattered? Absolutely but, while we were talking, and getting to know each other better I found myself asking the important questions; Are you single; Have you ever been married; etc…. and I got my answers, we broke for a few minutes, I showered put on some clothes for my interview did my hair, and makeup and went back outside to grab something from the garage and he came around the corner to tell me that I looked amazing, my response was that a second opinion is always nice, and he asked who had given the first one, and I said well, me of course, and he smiled, and said “I don’t think you realize what a huge attraction your confidence is, and by the way you looked incredible in that dress yesterday as well.
I do like him, and I agree with my cousin, this is good for me because, I have been through so much, and need this. Starting over with a support system seems nice, starting over without worrying if my ex is going to walk through the door and give me something to explain seems like a good thing, not having to watch every move I make for fear of what the perception at the church will be is such a relief, and then there is what this is doing to my own sense of self confidence, and self esteem.
I haven’t felt this confident since my ex and I first got together, Mr. W. walking into my life has been good for me, what is going on inside of me is something that I haven’t experienced in a couple of years, and yes, I am enjoying it, as slowly as I am taking things, I really am enjoying it because it’s bringing out something inside of me that just hasn’t been there.
Where it will go, I’m honestly not sure. I’m enjoying getting to know him, I’m enjoying the process of healing, and starting over, and for as scary as it is to let your guard down, I’m enjoying building trust there too because today when I told him about the caregiving responsibility he didn’t automatically walk or run away but, instead he said “You know, I really admire you for that, it takes a really strong person to be able to sacrifice so much of themselves for another, and it’s an honorable thing.”
I like him, and I do look forward to getting to know more about him irregardless of what certain nameless individuals think or say.
So with that said; how would you continue from here, there has been no date, we’re still in the getting to know you faze. If it were you, how would you continue? What questions would you ask? Inquiring minds wonder.
Sometimes giving a man an incentive to be seductive isn’t a bad thing.
Friday morning I got up enjoyed a cup of coffee on the front porch, and proceeded to shower, and begin my day, and decided somewhere in the midst of it all that I was going to put on a dress that I love and wear it since it was a beautiful summer day.
When I went outside to grab something out of the garage I found myself being surprised by none other than a set of arms around me and a male’s voice telling me that he had to come see what he had been looking at from a distance up close because she looked sexy in that dress.
Ok I admit, that got me, and won me over. I giggled, and said well, I’m glad you liked what you saw, and glad you took the initiative to come tell me. He didn’t realize it but, he did the irresistible action that gets me every time, there is something about a guy coming up behind me and putting his hands around my hips that gets me every time and dayum does it turn me on.
Mr. C use to do that frequently but, when Mr. W. did it on Friday the same reaction I use to have with Mr. C. became the exact reaction and it was in that moment that I stopped fighting the attraction that I have to this guy, and let him in (just enough to stop fighting myself).
As I laid awake last night thinking about what went on Friday between Mr. W. and I, I realized another valuable lesson that Mr. C. gave me, and that lesson was in the importance of guarding my heart, and I realized last night that I don’t know important facts about Mr. W. yet instead, I have been assuming that he is single, that he’s looking for someone to enter into a relationship with with the intention of eventually marrying that person, and that he is wanting to settle down. But, they are assumptions, and if C. taught me anything it’s that I do need to ask those questions because assuming doesn’t get you anywhere but hurt the longer that the flirting goes on, and the more you let your guard down, and let a man in.
I’ll be honest, I can not get Mr. W. out of my head. Is this a good thing, in a way it is because for the first time since I ended it with Mr. C. I finally feel like I am ready to start over with someone new. I’ll always care about my ex, I’ll keep praying for him, I’ll keep loving him, and keep praying for favor for him but, I let go of my dreams with him, I’ve literally burned everything that has anything to do with him that I still had lying around except for a shirt that he left one day that I do still occasionally sleep in but, even the smell of Bod Black makes me sick now, and when I realized that a couple weeks ago it was a huge milestone moment for me that told me I was getting closer to exactly where I have been wanting to be.
I want to meet mr right but, I am not pushing for it because I have my own agenda right now and don’t want the distraction of a man right now. What will come of all of this who knows but, I do know that we have many common interests and it could work for more reasons than one.
How do you guard your heart? What questions do you ask to make sure the person that you may be potentially with has the right motives right from the beginning?