Making Wishes

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Today, I had the first of 3 interviews scheduled but, yesterday I began realizing that my attention was being deferred somewhere other than on work when I realized that the person who has been my guide, my hope, my light, and even my reason to keep faith had taken himself out of my life. 

He is choosing to choose darkness, and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me.  I dont know what will happen, I just know that I spent the three days leading up to that moment fearing what I knew he was already going to do, and then all day yesterday sobbing, and praying that he would stop what it is that he is doing and realize that he is already in the process of doing the very thing that he said that he would never do.

For weeks the answer to every question that I have asked him has been maybe.  For weeks I have broken apart in fear of what it is that I have seen him doing but, nothing could have prepared me for yesterday because I lost the man that has been the reason to keep going for the last few months, and I now realize that he is leaving me in a very similar position as Randy, and Mr. C. Left me in all for the sake of something darker than I know the full truth behind.

Today though as I walked through this park on my way into an interview I discovered this park, and realized that I had been sent here for a reason when I sat down, reflected, enjoyed the fountains, and began wishing that I had a penny. 

I wished for a penny, looked down and out of nowhere there one was right next to the bench that I was sitting on.

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And then the wish was made, and the penny went into the water fountain.

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I do love him, it is just not a relationship kind of love.  It’s a I know I can trust him, I respect him, he will protect me, tell me the truth, and be there for me kind of love.  He has the core of me though.  No other person can have that, and I dont want them to the way that he has me because I cant trust anyone else, that part of me is to vulnerable, and weak even though she is strong.

I want him back, not as a boyfriend but, as the man that I can quite honestly say I love in a unconditional I am not going anywhere, and I will always be there for you sense.

Will I get my wish?  I hope so because quite honestly I feel like a part of me is missing (lessons in pentegrams when you didnt even know anything about them until it happened) but, with mercury in retrograde right now everything is really fragile, and wrong choices are being made in both of our lives.  Will I live to regret mine?  It’s possible but, when it comes to fighting for him to stay a part of my life I dont think there will ever come a day when I will regret that because he means way to much to me.

So as I watch and listen to these waterfalls that surround me I have to ask, what would your wish be today if you could make one?  And sure go ahead, and clue me in on what you would do in the other situation too.

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Deferring Direcetion

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Today, I had the first of 3 interviews scheduled but, yesterday I began realizing that my attention was being deferred somewhere other than on work when I realized that the person who has been my guide, my hope, my light, and even my reason to keep faith had taken himself out of my life. 

He is choosing to choose darkness, and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me.  I dont know what will happen, I just know that I spent the three days leading up to that moment fearing what I knew he was already going to do, and then all day yesterday sobbing, and praying that he would stop what it is that he is doing and realize that he is already in the process of doing the very thing that he said that he would never do.

For weeks the answer to every question that I have asked him has been maybe.  For weeks I have broken apart in fear of what it is that I have seen him doing but, nothing could have prepared me for yesterday because I lost the man that has been the reason to keep going for the last few months, and I now realize that he is leaving me in a very similar position as Randy, and Mr. C. Left me in all for the sake of something darker than I know the full truth behind.

Today though as I walked through this park on my way into an interview I discovered this park, and realized that I had been sent here for a reason when I sat down, reflected, enjoyed the fountains, and began wishing that I had a penny. 

I wished for a penny, looked down and out of nowhere there one was right next to the bench that I was sitting on.

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And then the wish was made, and the penny went into the water fountain.

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I do love him, it is just not a relationship kind of love.  It’s a I know I can trust him, I respect him, he will protect me, tell me the truth, and be there for me kind of love.  He has the core of me though.  No other person can have that, and I dont want them to the way that he has me because I cant trust anyone else, that part of me is to vulnerable, and weak even though she is strong.

I want him back, not as a boyfriend but, as the man that I can quite honestly say I love in a unconditional I am not going anywhere, and I will always be there for you sense.

Will I get my wish?  I hope so because quite honestly I feel like a part of me is missing (lessons in pentegrams when you didnt even know anything about them until it happened) but, with mercury in retrograde right now everything is really fragile, and wrong choices are being made in both of our lives.  Will I live to regret mine?  It’s possible but, when it comes to fighting for him to stay a part of my life I dont think there will ever come a day when I will regret that because he means way to much to me.

So as I watch and listen to these waterfalls that surround me I have to ask, what would your wish be today if you could make one?  And sure go ahead, and clue me in on what you would do in the other situation too.

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A Strong Woman

A strong woman

80 Things I learned in my 20’s

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As each day passes we grow. As life throws us curve balls those of us who are smart retain that information in order to use it the next time we need it even if it is just to pass it along to someone else going through that same situations.

As I reflect back on my 20’s though I realize that life threw me curve balls and lessons that so many people don’t learn until they are in their 40’s, and 50’s. Am I glad those things happened it depends but, today as I hit the age that I have feared for literally the last 5 years it 1) doesn’t seem so bad, and 2) gives me the perfect excuse to be me today on a day that I actually have off.

That’s why I came up with these 80 Lessons that I learned in my 20’s to share with all of you.

1) If you are traveling to the same place repeatedly, you might as well move there.

2) House shopping is fun but, knowledge about the area, school district, crimes, and population statistics are important decision makers.

3) You will know you have found the right house when as you walk around it looks like, and feels like home.

4) When you own a house you will spend most of your off time cleaning your house (especially when you have pets).

5) It’s ok to be single and not looking.

6) When dating look for your best friend. Sex is great, Attraction is great but, choose to only date people that you love to share life as a whole with.

7) The right church will grow you, shape you, and mold you, it will allow and enable you to use your talents, and give you the freedom to be who it is that you really are. Christ didn’t judge, in-fact the bible clearly states that we only have 1 judge in this life, and that is God.

8) Making choices only for the sake of appeasing others is never the right choice. All you are doing is hurting yourself, others if they are involved, and building resentment for those you are trying to appease all at the same time.

9) You will never find a best friend in anyone else like you have with your mom. That bond is natural and can not be replaced or, reproduced.

10) Everyone makes mistakes – wise people admit them, and learn from them.

11) Everyone fails at something – take the opportunity that you have and start fresh refusing to give up until you succeed.

12) Childhood best friends of the opposite sex grow up, get married, and disconnect, especially when there is a jealous, possessive spouse who feels threatened by you.

13) Diapers are really no big deal.

14) Take the opportunity to hold a lot of babies, it is great practice, and if you are a man here is a tip girls love it when they see a guy with a baby.

15) Take time to work with, volunteer with and or, babysit kids. Again, it is great practice, and something that brings so much satisfaction if you have the right intentions behind doing it.

16) Take time to set realistic goals for yourself, and do something to chase after those goals each day.

17) The first time you fall in love will change you forever.

18) Getting your heart broken gives you a completely different perspective on the opposite sex, and changes you for a very long time. Don’t rush into another relationship just to get over the pain…it will become a regret eventually.

19) Never use anyone, all it does is tarnish your character, integrity, and make people question your values.

20) Money is needed to survive and pay bills but, it isn’t everything.

21) You are better off being with someone you love in truth who is broke than rich and lied to, cheated on, beaten etc etc etc

22) When faced with an impossible situation, always choose the moral path.

23) Romeo and Juliet killed themselves because they couldn’t stand to be a part. They had no faith, therefore in the end everyone lost. Romeo and Juliet isn’t the love story to want to live out but, if you find yourself in that situation, hope, pray, and have faith that the answer might be no right now but, 2 people that want to be together can win against the odds. History is full of stories like that just read.

24) Alcohol poisoning is not fun. Eat before you drink, and do not drink to much.

25) Fashion once you discover your style will become a part of you. Be yourself, and enjoy the process of expressing yourself (appropriately).

26) School staff with a sense of humor, and who bust chops with the students are their favorites. Be their friend, not their superior in behavior. They will respect you a lot more that way.

27) Waiting is hard but the right things are worth waiting for.

28) Love is patient, kind, not jealous, not self seeking, and not rude or, harmful to the other person.

29) Mommy’s boys will probably always be just that. If they can not separate in order to join as one then they aren’t worth the fight to be with.

30) Perception isn’t always reality.

31) Take time out for yourself.

32) Burn out can and will happen – Step back, re-evaluate, and re-prioritize before or when it does.

33) Your true friends are only counted on one hand. Be careful of who you trust.

34) The internet is a stalking tool. Blogs, facebook, twitter, instagram…they can all be used to check up on you.

35) When one door closes another one usually opens, sometimes more than one. Take the door in this case that will lead you to joy.

36) One night stands can be what you want in that moment but, dont make a habit out of them, and never do something you know you will regret later on.

37) It is better to be single than with the wrong person.

38) Food is the way to a man’s heart as is a clean house that smells good.

39) Choose your girlfriends over your boyfriend. If he tells you to make a choice or begins sabotaging your girlfriend relationships this is usually the first thing an emotional abuser will do. Be careful.

40) Discretion in relationships is not stupid, it is wise.

41) Dating someone who is commited to someone else speaks as much if not more of your values than his. Get some self respect and respect for the hearts of others. If they are cheating with you they will eventually cheat on you. Mark my words.

42) Open relationships and poly lifestyles – 1 will never be enough, therefore, if one or both of you want others, you better make sure that you can handle it on the inside because if you can’t you will end up hurt. (Trust me on that 11 years of experience with this one)

43) Sometimes love really isn’t enough. Sometimes we may love someone so much that leaving feels like it will nearly kill us but, if we aren’t given a reason to stay then packing the car up and driving 1600 miles may be the only option. Fight and make an effort for what you want or step aside so happiness will eventually find you both.

44) 1 night stands can eventually lead to someone’s death. Is it really worth it in the end? Given what Randy went through I guarantee he would finally agree with me if he were still here and say no they aren’t worth it. A simple viral or bacterial infection led to heart failure because his body was to weak to keep fighting it.

45) The loss of your mother is the most painful loss you will ever face.

46) The loss of your best friend, the person that knows you better than anyone, who became like a father figure, a lover, a boss, and more, someone you loved to want to cuddle up with, watch movies with, spend time doing nothing with, and share literally everything with is a very close 2nd that perfectly matches the 1st.

47) No matter how much you want to deny it we all need companionship.

48) Loneliness can lead to depression, and Recklace behavior (alcohol, drugs, and sex) I’ve never done drugs ever but, the other two in a way I have at one point or another be careful to not let yourself get to that point.

49) Having second moms around you can be the most beneficial thing in the world at times.

50) At some point you realize you need to stop being so nervous about sex no matter what religious views you hold.

51) At some point you begin realizing that sex before marriage isn’t that big of a deal as long as you engage wisely.

52) The world doesn’t need to see your relationship status. Please break in this wedding ceremony while we update our facebook relationship status to married – how stupid. All of the people that care about you are in attendance at your wedding. It can wait.

53) Good music is key to getting people to dance at your wedding.

54) Pinterest wedding boards are of Satan. Is marriage really worth spending 40k on? Feel free to check mine later because it’s what I plan on spending my day doing but I would never spend 20k on a wedding let alone 40k. The most expensive item at my wedding will be my dress.

55) When I get married I will be teaching others how guest lists should be managed for weddings. I am not elaborating on this subject because it is just one of those things where you can’t change the choices of others but you can make it so that you dont create the same effects in people that others have in the past.

56) Wedding dresses can be changed. If you find a dress that you love but, it is missing something that you have always wanted (a train, sleeves, straps, a middle piece to hide cleavage) those things can all be added.

57) Just because things didn’t work out with one guy doesn’t mean there isnt a future with someone else. Don’t sabotage yourself by setting up every man that comes along for failure.

58) Do not settle for less than what you, want, and deserve. There are still chivalrous gentleman out there. They are not easy to come by but they do still exist.

59) Sometimes in order to get what you want out of a man you need to show him from the beginning how you want and expect to be treated.

60) Giving it up on a first date may be becoming the normal but, a girl with values won’t do it because she values herself. If she is giving it up to you how many other guys has she done it with?

61) Men who are looking for longer term futures dont want a girl who gives it up easily. Wait, be patient, let him chase you. You will bring out the man in him when this happens.

62) 50 shades of gray changed the way most young adults view relationships and sexuality. It is disgusting, and very unfortunate in my opinion.

63) Vampires sparkle, are chivalrous, enjoy rough sex, and can make gorgeous babies (Thank God) LOL you all know I had to put something in there about it otherwise, it wouldnt be me. (Hey, it is my birthday, give me a break.)

64) If designers would make a replica dress that burns to black like Katniss’s my life would be complete.

65) Humility, values, and character win every single time there is a question.

66) There is nothing wrong with being submissive to the opposite sex as long as you dont allow yourself to be taken advantage of, manipulated, and hurt. It is actually very biblical, and becoming more and more rare.

67) You will never succeed in your job unless you can honestly say you love what you do.

68) Happiness, and joy come from within.

69) Dinner parties never grow out of style.

70) Girls nights are more valuable than you realize. There is something about pizza, wings, wine, movies or season viewing parties that bring out the best in you.

71) It is ok to dream. Anyone who tells you otherwise lost their inner child a long time ago, and they need to do some reflecting.

72) Wolves in sheep’s clothing really do exist. And dont be afraid to expose them for who they really are. In fact you should expose them.

73) The things that really interest you will never leave your heart or spirit.

74) People can rob you of things that you love but, they can never take the passion away from you.

75) The church can create more hurt inside of you than any non Christian could.

76) Narcissism is real, and can cause real damage. Be careful of who you let into your life.

77) Bonds can be formed with others that do not break or separate even in death.

78) The dead do have ways of communicating with us dont ask me how this happens but, it does, paranormal experiences are very real. Do not think for a second that they are not.

79) There is hope for an agnostic or atheist to find, and accept Christ in to their lives. Never give up on praying for people even when you feel like it is hopeless.

80) Never underestimate time. We dont know when God will take us or, someone we love. My last words to Randy were I love you ____, and the last words I heard from him in return were I love you too (insert his g rated nickname for me here) he had already called me the r rated names in that conversation but made sure I knew he was just saying I love you in his own way. It’s the last memory that I have of him. And one in which I will never forget or regret.

Today more than any other day I miss him. I wonder what he would have sent me, I wonder what kind of card he would have picked out, and how many times he would have said oh you are 22 this year right. This year, I wouldnt have argued, this year, I would have probably agreed, laughed and said yes, yes, I am 22 this year happily and thanked him for making me laugh.

30 isnt so bad but, turning 30 the way that I am is making me realize that in every possible way I really am starting over in every possible way except when it comes to family.

It’s an interesting place to find yourself but, when you realize that you have grown from all of the life experiences that you have faced many of which I didn’t even include you find yourself with an amount of wisdom that you only gain from getting older, and that makes it a little easier to grasp.

What are some life lessons that you learned in your twenties? What advice would you give someone who is just entering their 30’s? What changes if anything other than the number?

The Same Ole Thing Just A Different Day

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Over the last few days it has started up again. One of them whether it is him or mommy dearest has some free time on their hands and is using it to do nothing other than read up on me.

How do I feel about it you ask? Honestly, I could really care less, more frequently than not I laugh, screen capture it to add more proof to the pile that has grown very large at this point, and shoot the screen capture to his sister, and we laugh about the immaturity because, it is obvious that they are the ones that refuse to let this go, when reality says I am not even talking about them, and haven’t really been thinking about them either.

It is honestly, unfortunate that they have nothing better to do with their time. Life, and engagement must not be going the way that they thought it would because if that were the case they wouldn’t be typing in my url, and reading up on me.

My message to them, we are all adults here so, maybe it is time you start acting like it. If you have something to say, private message me, and say it otherwise knock off the immaturity because it is doing nothing but, making you look worse in the eyes of people you are trying to deceive without success. They all know, they see the screenshots, they’ve seen the threatening skype messages, they’ve seen the pictures, they’ve seen the phone records, and they have seen the rest of the proof that I have piled up in a folder therefore, attempting to deceive them will not work assuming they have a brain in their head.

I gave him ample chances, and I gave him a choice. He choose to keep playing games therefore he has no one to blame but himself, and I find it not only sad but hilarious at the same time because he has done this to himself.

You can care about someone and not want them to face hurt but, you cant stop them from making the wrong choices that can adversely effect them, and others for the rest of their lives. It’s a hard reality to face but, it is the truth, and if I am right, and he really is just using her he is going to wake up one day and say “she was right, this got me absolutely nowhere.” And at that point I will laugh, and say I know I was right because I always am when it comes to knowing right vs wrong because I do not let sin, deception, and manipulation control my life or decisions.

All this is is more narcissistic, manipulative behavior, and not only am I choosing to not let it get to me because I am way past that point of fearing either of them or, allowing them to effect me in any way, shape, or form but, I am choosing to expose the behavior because, it isn’t right, and it isn’t something that anyone who claims they want to be a pastor should be acting out on for the reasons that they do. It is toxic, narcissistic behavior, and that is not of God.

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