Maturity says the above. My spirit says the above, My heart says the above, and so does my head.
Nothing that I want this year could be placed under a Christmas tree, and to be quite honest, I haven’t even bought anything except the outfit that I’m wearing at Whimper, and technically that isn’t even for me.
What I want for Christmas is the man that I absolutely adore, respect, trust, and love. I don’t have expectations, I don’t have a fantasy about how any of this is suppose to happen but, what I do have is the faith to say he’s worth holding on to, and he’s worth the hurt of 2 months worth of a very hard lesson in checking my own pride, and sense of humility because, he was right even though I wish he’d chosen a different way to get me to learn this lesson.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting throughout this process, it’s hurt, it hasn’t been easy but, it’s made me realize yet again who I am, what I stand for, and what is important to me, and it’s forced me to listen to my spirit even when it’s confused me, and made me doubt myself. There’s this huge part of me that wants to thank him because, I think he did have my best interest in mind in doing what he chose to do. Love see’s the best in the other person, and that’s what I see in his choice. I needed to learn this lesson, I needed to gain a real sense of humility not necessarily because of the lifestyle but, because when I rebuilt myself the last time I did it in a way that was prideful because of what I went through with and at the church.
That doesn’t matter to me anymore. I have no desire to get back on that platform, none whatsoever. He was there when no one else was, it wasn’t Jerah, it wasn’t Brandon, Pastor Dave or, Cindy. It was Jim with the right intentions all along, and that’s why and how he earned the place that he has in my life.
I’m about to see him, and yes, I do want to talk, and I do want his arms but, as always that’s up to him. The part of me that loves to be courted, and pursued by a gentleman doesn’t die in this transformation, that’s the part of me that is, and always will be soft because, what I’ve learned is it is possible to be strong and soft at the same time.
I guess I need to clarify what I didn’t make clear last night.
I choose to be light but, the need inside of me is screaming more-so than it was screaming prior to that night in the lower dungeon, and I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because, it’s part of the past that needs to be settled inside of myself, I don’t really know. I just know that I’m back in that same place that I was in May of 2013 needing the same exact thing that I needed that night without really knowing or understanding why but this time it goes deeper than that because, this is bringing out the part of me that I thought that I had shut off.
Choosing to be light though doesn’t mean I have to involve myself with things, and people that I don’t want to involve myself with. Choosing to be light doesn’t mean that I can’t evolve into a more spiritual place rather than religious which to be quite honest, I don’t agree with that theology anyways, and never really have. All that mindset does is make you feel guilty for things you shouldn’t feel guilty about, it places rules on you that aren’t worth following all for the sake of expectation, and appeasement, and I began separating myself from all of that 3 years ago but, it’s been a very slow process where I’m just now getting to the point where I’m saying that I’m not going to even attempt to go back to that because, it did ruin me.
I still have my values, I still hold my core beliefs but, there is a part of me that is evolving yet, my loyalty is in what my spirit is telling me to do which is humble myself, and put myself under you. I’ve never looked at you the way that I do now, yes, we’ve always been friends, yes, we know each other very well but, this aspect of what’s going on with you is new to me in a lot of ways. I don’t want release I want what it is that everything in me is leaning towards right now, and it is all centered around you even though I don’t know why because, for some reason this just keeps getting stronger by the day for me.
I know what my spirit is telling me to do, and I’m willing to do it but, my fear up until this point has been “What if that really isn’t what he wants and I make a flat out ass of myself” I’ve been fighting myself because, I’m afraid of more rejection, I’m afraid of the way that you’ll look at me, I’m afraid that you’ll treat me differently but, I look at how afraid I was to say those 3 words that I’ve said to you so many times since I’ve been back here that when Amanda initiated that conversation back in August I wasn’t ready to admit to you or to myself, and the same thing applied – I was scared to admit how I really felt because, I didn’t want to face more rejection. But I do love you, and in saying those words what I got in return was the same words back. But, in saying that I feel like I need to make it clear that it’s a spiritual unconditional love. One that I honestly can’t find words to describe because, there aren’t words for it, and that’s why I fought saying it to you because, it’s a different kind of love, and it’s not one that I’m willing to let go of or walk away from because what I’ve realized is whatever that is now that I’ve admitted it to myself, and stopped trying to run away from it is exactly what the missing piece in my life has been.
I do have fears in this but, I know I’m suppose to keep trying. I know that I’m here for both reasons but, that self imposed darkness are all insecurities, and fears that I don’t really know anything about other than that you fear hurting me. You won’t. Not the way you think you will but, I need you to trust me when I say that, and let me in. You were there for me, and I refuse to not be there for you just because you think I need to be running towards whoever is in Alpharetta.
Let me in, and Let me be there like you were for me.
The answer to the question that I was asked early this morning is in this picture.
In the midst of having to do all of this reflecting the subject of spirituality vs organized religion has come up, and what I’ve realized is that yes, I definitely do believe in a higher power but, what I don’t believe in at all any more is the church itself.
We all have spirits, and those spirits can lead us to make choices that we wouldn’t normally see ourselves making but, in this instance I’m making a choice to choose a path that I barely know anything about because, it’s what my spirit is telling me to do.
If The Goddess really told him to have me go back to that church which I believe because, my spirit was leading me back there anyways it was only for the length of time that, that message series lasted. My time there is done, and it’s because Mr. C. is back there discreetly behind the scenes. I haven’t seen him and I don’t want to see him but, that tells me that I’ve been right all along, and once the wedding happens it’s only a matter of time, and I refuse to be there when it happens.
Heartbreak really does change us especially when it’s a heartbreak that touches the deepest parts of us. I stumbled on a series of conversations today between Jim, and I when the truth is I wasn’t even looking for these. The first was one that made me smile from 8 months ago, and as I read through those messages I couldn’t help but, blush and smile because he made me miss the beauty that is in my own darkness because, it really does fit so well with his dark side.
Something stuck out to me though in that conversation and half of it was actually my own words; feel free to re-read, the part that stuck out to me is bolded. (Wow, if you could only see the smile on my face right now just sayin)
We both have choices to make here, it’s not just me, and what I’ve come to realize is that I have more than one, and the realization, and acceptance of that has been a process because, it’s taken me on a journey of taking me back to a place where I wasn’t sure that I ever wanted to go to again but, it’s the place where I am, and it’s made me sit back and reflect on myself more than I already had.
I made my first choice 2 months ago to love him through whatever this darkness is. That hasn’t changed but, through what happened at SKC the realization hit me that he doesn’t just want me in his life like he use to. He had me kneel in front of her. Yes, I needed to apologize to her but, it was more than that because of my own vulnerability in that moment, a vulnerability that he knew I would feel and wanted me to experience but, it didn’t just bring out the submissive in me it brought something deeper than that out that I haven’t experienced in about 6 years, and it really hasn’t left me since because, when everything went wrong that night I immediately started beating myself up, and that isn’t something the submissive in me would do but, instead that’s what the slave in me does.
Yesterday he posted something on facebook about not being afraid of me but, being afraid of what he could or would do to me and when I saw it I knew it was one of those pictures you see all over facebook but, it was relevant so I sent him a text and said Stop being afraid of what you’ll do to me, I’ve already got this. Yes, he’s going to hurt me, yes, I know how he’s going to hurt me and it’s in more than one way. I woke up at 6:00 this morning from another dream but, this one wasn’t as bad as the one about a week ago was. In-fact this one wasn’t bad at all, I have experience with the “act” from this morning but, just not to the extreme that it was taken to, and quite honestly if that’s what is in his mind then I’m ok with taking that further than what Randy did.
Randy was pretty sadistic but, would never touch what I saw in that dream earlier this week or late last week. My eyes flew open, I sat up in bed, and yeah, I cried because I realized just how far this might go, and it does scare me but, at the same time I know it’s what I’m suppose to do. The only difference here is I’m saying I’m willing to go there for him. I’ve never been able to say that to Randy because everything I did for him I did out of fear after about the 2nd year, that shit lasted 8 years, I broke away, got with Mr. C. and then life crumbled and suddenly I found myself living with the man that I fought so hard to stay away from and taking more harshness than he had ever put me through when I was his slave.
When I was his slave 75% of what he put me through was emotional sadism, the other 25% was physical but, before I left to go back to New York it was all physical, and it was a side of him that I’d only seen come out of him 2 other times prior to those 8 months because other people defended me when they didn’t like how they saw him treating me.
I’m use to it at this point. I don’t think the worst of him, and the fears that he has about what he could do to me wouldn’t have the impact on me that he thinks. I’m not saying that to dig, that is not my way of calling beige but, what I’m saying is that I’ve been through things with Randy that I’ve never talked to anybody about ever, I’ve been through an experience prior to Randy that tells me I’m capable of taking a lot more than people think I can take but, again that doesn’t mean I’m calling beige it just means that for the right person I would do it, and this one is worth that to me.
We can either face our fears, and defeat them or we can run away from them and hurt ourselves even more. If I already trust him, and love him to the degree that I do why would I run away and find someone else when quite truthfully I have absolutely no desire to start looking, dating, and wasting all the time when I know exactly what I want is waiting on the other side of fear.
How do I get him to understand though? That’s what I don’t know, and what I sit here racking my brain day in and day out over because, it’s the barrier. Yes, there are plenty of things that I’m scared about but, there are plenty of things that I want that no one knows about. Mz Hyde isn’t a manipulator instead Mz Hyde is just another name for my dark side. I’m not trying to manipulate anyone I’m just trying to figure out myself in all of this, and figure out where it is that I belong and I already know it’s not in Alpharetta or solely in the seats of that church doing what I’ve been doing for the last 5 years because, I’ve been miserable.
Friday night I went to Wak and about half way through it I realized that deep down I’m so stressed out, feel so misunderstood, and without what it is that I need that I’m ready to scream because, on the inside I already am. It’s not an enjoyable place to be but, I wonder if it’s not the same way with him, and if it is, is that why he keeps lashing out at me? Am I triggering things just by being me? Am I triggering this side of him just by having a desire that he so obviously can see but, wants me to deny so that he doesn’t hurt me?
I can’t do that. Because every single ounce of me at this point wants it. Yes, I’m scared, there are parts of me that are terrified but, it’s not because I’m afraid of him, it’s because I’m afraid of my own desire for this.
I can’t fight this, and I don’t want to but, what if I don’t want it to be anyone but him either. He has my love, he has my respect, he has my trust, and even though I know that he’s trying to protect me by doing this my spirit is telling me that fighting this is doing more harm than good because for some reason it’s the way it’s suppose to be. I’ve just never told him or anyone but, Erica what those darker things include.
Love may not have an expiration date but, what if I can’t process my own fears in this until I experience them? And how do I experience them if the only person I’m willing to go there with still won’t even talk to me. I’ve made my choice but, will he understand enough to say ok she’s finally ready. She’s crazy as hell but, she’s finally ready.
Yesterday in the midst of a cup of coffee, some time in the sun, and peace, and quiet I realized that I’m tired of being innocent. I’m tired of getting nowhere being the good girl, I’m tired of losing, and getting burned, and then it hit me, I’m not just tired of all of that, I’m tired of everything to do with organized religion, and what it’s done to me.
“It was slowly killing you.” Those were his words to me in a conversation that happened about 2 months ago now, and as I’ve sat here, and reflected on those words I realize just how right he was. The rules, the expectations of perfection, the blackmail, the manipulation all right inside of the church, it was slowly killing me, and it did change me.
I love my lead pastor, and his wife, I love Jerah, and Brandon but, it’s the rest of that place, it’s the guilt trips, it’s the fact that I’m tired of feeling like I’m someone that on the inside I’m not. I changed to appease but, deep down there is this girl that is dying to come out, and I’ve named her Mz. Hyde.
I made a choice to embrace my own darkness yesterday but, today in the midst of some interesting thoughts I re-affirmed it, and I’m not changing my mind. I want Jim, and I am not going to back down from this. I’ve said it for 2 months I’m willing to go into the darkness for him yet, I never realized that, that required me walking away from my own innocence, and that’s what I’ve spent the day realizing, and piece by piece the innocent parts of me have shown themselves to me, and I realize that this is the part that I can’t do by myself. Sure, there are parts of it that I can but, that innocent girl is still going to be there in some areas for awhile, and I swear to God if I hear the words that Mr. C. used “Don’t you ever watch porn?” I will scream. No, I don’t because, I learn by doing not by watching. A big part of that has to do with my own self consciousness, and insecurities but, with him it might be different because he makes me feel beautiful instead of the way that Randy use to make me feel.
I’m tired of being closed off, I’m tired of coming off as prudish, I’m tired of closeting what I know is somewhere deep down but, until now, I’ve never allowed myself to bring her to the surface.
It is Jim, and Jim knows that it’s Jim which is why he keeps on clicking “Protecting Her”. That ends now. I want the darkness, I want to experience what I haven’t experienced before consensually with the man that I trust, and has earned that trust. Yes, I know you have lied to me, and no I’m not mad because I know why you have done it. But, stop doing that because, I want this, and I’m willing to say enough is enough, and actually do something about it.
My own innocence is my sacrifice in this, and quite honestly I don’t really see it as a bad thing at all.
I don’t have some kind of fantasy or fairy tale written out in my head saying how this is suppose to go but, I know that I do want it to be with him because, I trust him. I don’t know how far I want it to go or, how much I can take but, I do know that I’ve changed, and after years of not wanting anything (other than that one night in the lower dungeon) I’m getting to a point where over the last few days especially it is what I know I want again. Not in some fantasy type of way but, in a way that is realistic yet at the same time it now includes things that I’ve never wanted to do before and oddly enough it’s because I’m realizing that I never trusted Randy like I trust Jim because it’s Jim that got this out of me again.