Have you ever sensed that something is changing, and that things really are going to work out? I’m there, and have been for the last couple of days now.
As I mentioned last night I’ve managed to square away an apartment to move into Friday. I’ve created a plan, have interviews that are aligning with the area that I’ll be living in without even really trying, and even more options locally that I haven’t really explored yet because, I want to be there first. I’ll cross that path when I get there because, it won’t be an issue and know that I could start a new job on Monday all because of who I know until I find something better. The only reason I didn’t do this the last time is because, Randy literally wouldn’t let me.
I talked about that sense of peace that I feel last night, and in all honesty it’s even stronger today with an added addition of nervous anticipation because something (I have no idea what) is happening, and it’s something that only faith could accomplish because, I am not doing anything other than working on what it is that I need to be working on personally in order to get to where I need and want to be.
There’s an issue in the midst of this though:
Charlene screwed up my hotel reservations, and therefore the church shorted me two nights compared to what I was suppose to receive. I am not blaming her, it was a big confusing mess to begin with, and this hotel quite honestly sucks, and has from the second I arrived (When it takes 4 hours just to check in that gives me ample reason to say that) and quite honestly, I am a very patient person.
I’ve got a call in to the church to inquire about another night because I can’t move in to the apartment that I’ve squared away until Friday however, because I know how certain individuals are I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t happen which would mean that I may need to make a phone call to someone in desperation because I’ve got a total of $20.00 to my name until Friday, and that needs to go into my gas tank to get to an interview tomorrow in the area of town that’s about 40 miles away from where I am now.
Will I have to do what it is that I have this gut feeling that I’m going to have to do? I don’t know. This afternoon will tell me, and how I feel about it will probably not change before then because, I hate having to ask people for things, and I hate not being self sufficient and in this situation to begin with but, it’s coming together faster than I thought it would, that I do know for sure (Minus Thursday night’s hurdle).
It shouldn’t be this easy but, for some reason it is which only confirms that I’ve been making correct choices. Will things continue to just fall into place? I think so but, it may include a true friend coming out of the shadows in order to get me past it assuming that person is still willing, and able.
Every choice that we make has an effect to it.
“You have a choice to make.”
I’ve been thinking about those words for a good portion of the day today, and today I made up my mind what it is that I am going to do. Because I could either submit to what it is that he believes to be the truth or, I could submit to what it is that I know is the truth, and could sense without even touching him Saturday night because all I had to do was look at him to know that there is more to this, and he is the reason why I am back here.
I’m going to finish what I started. I’m going to go with what my spirit told me to do on my birthday which was the exact reason why I packed up the car and left 2 weeks ago today to come back to the unknown, instead of figuring something else out in the town that I grew up in but, hate with a passion bigger than words can describe.
Am I scared, yes. But as I said to Jerah today there is this unexplainable peace at the same time. I’ve felt this peace before on more than one occasion but, it wasn’t until I made the choice to fight, and keep fighting with humility attached to that fight that it came.
As I have said previously I love him but, I don’t want a normal relationship with him. I love him but, I don’t expect to ever marry him, and in all honesty Soozy didn’t say marriage – all she said was the person that I am meant to be with is someone I meet at the age of 26 as well as a few other details that make me know that it is this man that she was referring to that I will not get into, and over the last couple of weeks I’ve begun to realize what that means, and as I told him the other night (not all of it but, bits and pieces of it) I’m ok with that.
He is the first man that I have ever been with where I don’t get jealous when he talks to or, interacts with other girls. Did the words “I would have been ok with poly for you, I already made peace with it.” really come out of my mouth, and heart? Wow, what the hell happened to me? What did he do to me? Because, anyone that knows me knows that poly is not something I have ever been able to handle before, but there was a moment the other night when he made the remark “I’m going to turn you poly yet.” and that’s when I responded with the above statement. Love, Trust, Respect, Desire, Genuine submission out of love towards someone that deserves it – that’s the difference here compared to my past because for as much as I loved Randy, he really hurt me with a lot of his choices, and those are choices that I’ve had to make peace with over the years even though each and every one of them took their toll on me but, with that said each and every one of his choices prepared me for what it is that I am going through, and experiencing now in a way that so far hasn’t been quite as bad as it was with him yet I know the feeling well enough to know that I need to be paying attention to how it is that I feel because, there is something there even though there has never been a label attached to it.
I honestly really don’t want what it is that I use to want anymore. I use to want kids, I honestly don’t want them anymore. I use to want marriage, and yes, a part of me honestly still does because it’s the one dream that I don’t want to have to sacrifice but, what I want more than marriage is the dynamic that I thought I was super close to again after years of not having it once I realized that it could be better than it was, and he’s the one that showed me that. It’s always been in reach but, something else always seems to get in the way.
I want to be happy again, I want to feel content again, I want to feel like I’m worthy, and good again but, it’s been a long time since I have felt all of those things at the same time in-fact I don’t think I’ve ever felt all of those things at the same time.
I’m happy single but, I would be happier inside of a dynamic yet I’m no more ready than he is for that because, I am focusing on myself.
I found an apartment today, and I can move in Friday. Am I happy about this – absolutely, and the best part about this is I will be around other lifestyle friends but, have privacy and still save money at the same time for something bigger and better in a few months.
I’m making choices that align with my goals, not with society or anyone’s visions but, instead with my goals. Will I live to regret these choices I don’t think so because, these choices get me to where it is that I want to be so I can move on to the good stuff.
As I said to Jerah tonight, and as Amanda and I have continuously spoken about I know why I am back here, that has made itself abundantly clear but, the time isn’t now (as of yet) because I’m not where I need to be yet, but I already know that once I am the door to the last thing that I’m waiting on will open when God is ready, and has finished preparing me.
I spent most of my day today listening to dark music, and in the midst of Halestorm’s MzHyde I laughed my butt off and said to myself “Why didn’t I think of this sooner.” I then proceeded to log on to that site, and change my username to MzHyde2 because, it fits me now more than ever before.
Whatever he wants me to be, that’s what I’ll be, and that’s what makes the song so perfect because in so many ways Mz Hyde gets to come out for the first time ever on her own without being provoked, and at this point I’m almost looking forward to it because it’s the choice that I’ve made for myself. He may fight me on it, He might hate me for it but, I’m just doing what it is that I was told to do by none other than him, himself and listening to my spirit along with letting it guide me which he can’t fault me for because at this point I have taken my own emotions out of this. I know what I want, and I’m willing to fight for it but, it’s not my will that I am fighting for here.
Has everything in my past with Randy, and yes even Mr. C. brought me to this point? Is that why this seems so much easier than times before to go through? Or is this peace that I feel the effect of simply making the right choice knowing that I won’t be turning away from it? I’m kind of curious to find out and see what happens here.
The question has crossed my mind over the last few days of who’s will I am fighting for here?
Before I even got out of the car Saturday night I prayed, and I prayed hard because I knew I would loose it by the end of the night, and I was right but, in the car Saturday night I found myself praying “Father, let your will be done with him.”
I got more insight out of that conversation than I realized that I was getting at the time now that I’ve had some time to sit down, and evaluate the conversations with the moment, and emotion out of it but, yesterday in the middle of church the realization came to me that in order to be light to someone else I need to have my own life together first.
I can quite honestly say that I am happy alone. If I were to go out and do exactly what it is that he told me to do I would grow to resent him because I’d only be doing it right now to get him back into my life. I don’t want a relationship right now, I have other things that I need to work on for myself, and honestly I think it’s really selfish of him to say “you have to do this in order for me to give you what it is that you want.” when that isn’t even what I want or more importantly need right now. I’m sorry, I know you’ll eventually read this, and I really am sorry but, that is really fucking selfish of you to ask of me because, I don’t sleep with random people, I don’t put myself out there just to get hurt over, and over, and over again, and all that would accomplish is getting people to forget that there was ever even a possibility of something coming of the connection between us. Did you ever for a second think that people like to talk, and then there are others that start trouble because they are jealous of the connection between 2 people? I’ve thought about it, hell, I’ve even experienced it countless times with Randy and a few of the whores he use to be infatuated with, and in all honesty I’m use to it but, my response to this is, if they want to talk you might as well give them something worthwhile to talk about because obviously they are jealous of something even though they’ve never seen what it is that you bring out of me at least not in person.
I haven’t really said it publicly but, I moved back to Atlanta a little less than 2 weeks ago, it was a spur of the moment decision, and it’s left me saying “Holy shit what is going on here, what am I doing, and where do I even start?” and then all of this happens less than a week later, and I’m just sitting here going “I really do not need this right now because all this is doing is distracting me from what it is that I know that I really need to be focusing on, and the reason it bothers me so much is because this is the same thing that Randy use to put me through when I would screw up, the only difference is this time, I didn’t do a single thing wrong, and it’s really fucking with my head.
My focus right now is not on relationships or sex, but instead my focus is on getting a good job, and having a roof over my head where things aren’t being held over my head, and I’m not being told how to live my life, who to date, being set up with 60 year old men by family etc…(Yes that really happened by the way, and I’m still really creeped out by it.) but the whole reason I even went Saturday night was to talk to him, there was no other point of me even going, and in all honesty for the first hour and a half I was there I kept asking Amanda, and Ashley why I was even there, and questioning myself because, I knew I was setting myself up for hurt. 5 days doesn’t change someone’s mind, 5 days doesn’t show someone who is being really selfish, and stubborn how much they have hurt someone, and 5 days doesn’t make someone reflect on their decision enough to change it even when they see the pain they are creating in someone else but the tears he saw, and the fear he knows that I have should have. (It’s the truth, and I’m not lying about it).
I agreed not to write about this, and I know I shouldn’t be, but it is what it is, and for the first time in 12 years I feel like I’ve been asked to do the impossible. Yet, I don’t want to see that number pop up on my phone, and answer it only to deal with the consequences of it either which in a way I’ve been expecting since yesterday. Am I being bratty and doing this on purpose, no not really but, am I letting my own hurt consume me – we all know I am even though I’m trying to work through it at the same time and probably digging my whole deeper as I do it.
My submission has been tested in the past but, it’s never been quite this bad. My patience has been tested in the past but, it’s never led me to all out break rules, piss off the person I love, and fight back because I am trying to get my own point across. Then again, it has but, the last time was different. Mr. C. didn’t deserve any of that but, this one, in my opinion this one does because, he’s got pieces of me that Mr. C. couldn’t have gotten even if he tried because none of it was ever even real to begin with, this time though, it’s a completely different story. Yet with all of that said I still find myself asking the question who’s will am I fighting for here because, I feel like I already surrendered mine (what that was I won’t say publicly) but, I still feel certain that there is something more to this, and something that is being missed all around what that is though I really don’t know.
“I dont want marriage anymore.”
These are words I found myself saying last night in the middle of the conversation that I thought I was ready to have but, quite obviously wasnt given not a single thing that I wanted to say came out of my mouth.
I am horrible at communicating verbally in “relationships”, it comes out so much better in writing the problem with this is that in this case he isnt answering me.
What if I dont want someone around the age of 35 in my church, what if I dont want a normal relationship at all, what if what I want is to just work on me, and get what I know I need at the same time from the only person that has ever been able to get it out of me…Randy couldn’t even do it not even after 11 years but this man can, has, and does it on a frequent basis whether he wants to admit it to himself or not.
Im tired of becoming vulnerable to wind up hurt, Im tired of feeling like I am not enough, not good enough, to inexperienced, and to vulnerable, which only leads to the same thing in a repetitive cycle. (Abandonment, loneliness, and walking through darkness that stems from nothing short of depression).
“You are stronger than you think you are.” Is he right? Yes, I know he is but, why should I have to keep living with so much loneliness, pain, and depression while waiting for something that is just a big maybe when it isnt even what I want right now?
The point that I want to make is that sometimes our choices dont lead us to the place that we think it will. Sometimes our choices are made for the wrong reasons, and our intentions do matter. He has told me over and over and over again to listen to my spirit. Well, what if my spirit is telling me to do the exact opposite of what his choices are leading “us” into which is nothing short of separation right now.
I love him but, I dont want a relationship with him, I love him but, I dont agree with him, yet, I love him so much that not submitting to Him, and not surrendering to his choice is hurting me the longer I try to fight it because I know I am aggrevating him by not listening to him, and not doing what he is telling me to do.
I know what he wants and expects me to do but, what if I know that he is wrong at least regarding half of it?
Like he said last night, I have a choice to make but what if I feel like that choice is just going to lead me back to how it is that I feel right now no matter what choice I make? Why would I keep going through this only to come back to what I already know will happen? That is just emotional and mental sadism that I am allowing myself to go through and already know that, that isnt something I want to keep going through because of what it does to me on the inside.
So much about this does not make sense. Will I ever find out what is really going on here, for all that it includes? And why the church? I know I am suppose to be there but, I dont know why, and after all the pain I have been through inside of that building it doesn’t make any sense (not just to him and I but even people who know me well inside of that building and know what I have been through for all that it includes. This subject alone is making people laugh in confusion.
I feel drained, I see hope, I see faith, and I feel love but, is that 1% of faith enough to really get through this alone? I really have to wonder.