Just Breathe

“Just Breathe” Not only is it a quote from my all time favorite movie Ever After but, it’s a quote from someone who holds a special place in my life that said those very words to me last night.

Lately I have come to realize that I am having a very hard time getting to the stage of dating new people that I want to get to because myself is in the way.  When you know how the story ends, and you know who you end up with what is the point in dating other people?

Yesterday my ex’s sister initiated a conversation that I wasn’t ready to have yet but, given how she knows that I feel, and given what she knows about how much I have been through with her brother for all that it includes I understand why she did it. She just doesn’t want to see me get hurt again but, getting the text message “I love you but, you are going to be really mad at me when you find out what I did, and you need to call “him” in the midst of what had already been a really bad morning was not what I was ready to deal with or something that I even wanted to deal with at that moment so, I called her, found out details, and then said “he’s right, that conversation is for us to have and I am not ready for that.” She knew why though, and it was because I was already afraid of letting my own vulnerability and submissiveness get to me in a way that I would get hurt before the next stage even began.

So 15 minutes later I found myself leaving my cousins, and heading towards the local chamber of commerce, not knowing what to say, and there the text from him came. “So, you still don’t want to talk to me? Hmmmm” I called him, wanting to cry already, I knew he was angry, but I didn’t know if he was angry at me or, her and in the moment I prepared myself for the worst but, for the first time I found myself surprised. I answered his questions honestly, we talked about what has gone on in the past, what is going on now, and what we both see out of the future, and even though a part of me is happy that I know he is where he is at, he still doesn’t know how I really feel and what is going through my head and heart because if he did he wouldn’t look at me the same.

The words “we have a unique relationship” are stuck in my head. But, because of my ex’s sister’s point her brother’s words of “it’s something” are also stuck in my head. I am not saying that they are the same, not even close but, what I am saying is that the early stages are leaving me just as confused and scared as the early stages with my ex did because I am vulnerable and I am meek, she is right. When I start to let my heart get involved this is what happens, and although I wouldn’t call it love because love takes a long time what I would call it is the potential because over the years we have shared many things with one another, and those things have led me to a place where I am naturally vulnerable with him. I don’t have to force it, the comfort is just there but, yesterday partially changed all of that for me, and last night changed it even more because what I realized is in a way I am trying to force this and only hurting myself the longer I allow myself to keep doing it because I don’t see the point in dating, or having casual sex with a mountain of men while I wait for the right one to come along which is apparently what the universe or Satan has planned?

In the end will it happen, I have to say yes because, soozy was right about everything else but, when that happens I have no idea but, still leaves me with the question, what do I do in the now’s, and how do I free myself, and stop fighting with myself to let whatever comes next just happen.

I already see what is happening, something is trying to separate him and I at this stage because he isn’t ready, it’s not that I am not ready it’s that he isn’t ready. It’s why he can’t see me, it’s why my ex’s sister has a very uneasy feeling. Someone bad (the cop) is about to walk into my life, and do more damage than my ex did. A part of me says lets get this over with so we can get to the good stuff but, another part of me says what is the point in adding to “the list” when it’s pointless.

How do you “Just Breathe” when you know that Satan is up to no good, and about to bring more hurt, and pain into your life? The changes have already begun, the path is already set, and I get this feeling that I already know how it is going to happen because of the path that is being set because it would make sense but, when is the question?

And then there is the subject of this guy, the one that I know I end up with that soozy predicted 8 years ago. How do you just forget that, maybe he gave me that answer too when he said “Believe.””Just breathe, and believe.”

They Got What They Wanted

Even in death he is proving he is always right.

2 years ago he became a different man, and his mom became a different woman.  As far as she goes, I have never seen anything like it, and in all honesty, it’s the whole reason that we were left with no choice other than for me to move back to New York no matter how much I didn’t want to leave, and how badly he wanted me to stay.

Just 30 minutes ago I received a heartless email from his oldest brother.  I emailed his mom last week asking them if they wanted me to come help.  Given the fact that there is a week before I start my new job, and I was sitting around in nothing but a huge mess, slipping back in to that state of depression that never really goes away I figured that I might as well make myself useful. 

It backfired, and tonight just a week after sending that email I got a response back, and for as much as I have done for them over the years I find myself sitting here saying really?  And for as much as it would anger him that I said anything at all I responded back with a quick sarcastic message telling him that I was glad he could be so understanding of how I feel, and what it is that I am going through.

He would beat my ass if he were still alive, granted if he were still alive I wouldn’t be communicating with his brother at all, I knew better, they were not on speaking terms for good reason, and he was right but, his brother is just doing this in order to get back at him (through me), that bond can’t be separated, not even in death.  He can deny me the only thing I asked for, and that is fine however, my heart hurts for R right now, it hurts over the fact that out of all of the people that came to that house in that family the only person that isn’t thinking about themselves in this, and is actually thinking about him, and his wishes is me, and they won’t even communicate with me let alone let me go there to help with the right intentions in doing it.

His brother’s words tonight stabbed me like a knife because they were stabbing him every step of the way, and it made me think back to the conversation that I had with his mom when she told me, and I realize now that what she was telling me is that she got what she wanted but didn’t dare say except by mistake to me one day just after thanksgiving not thinking I would tell him but, I did.

All hell broke lose when I told him about that, and it was shortly after that, that she forbid me to leave the house without my uncle, and confined him to his bedroom, and what I realize now is that she was doing it on purpose to force me to leave.  Her lies, all of the things that she was complaining about they were all made up in her head, and she was doing it on purpose in order to push him over the edge and get him to agree with her but, even in the end he agreed with me, and looked out for me.

The audacity of this woman, the nerve,  now she has exactly what she wanted and it’ll stay that way because after this, after realizing she purposely didn’t answer the phone for 10 days, after realizing that she took her neighbors credit card and they went out on a celebratory dinner spree, instead of mourning his death I’m literally sick to my stomach again in disgust.

They got what they wanted, she got what she wanted, and again, it leaves me feeling absolutely powerless in an impossible situation. 

Have you ever been with someone who died, and dealt with an impossible family?  How did you deal with it, and or get through it?

Establishing Goals

When was the last time that you established goals for yourself?  It’s something we all need to do if we are going to excel, and continue to grow, and professionally as I sat in my meeting with Jason yesterday he asked me the question “what are your goals?” And I was confidently able to answer them without any problem. 

My goals are to land a full time position in a stable environment, yes, I know where I would like to be but, announcing that publicly doesn’t seem like the best idea, yet, with that said what I am looking for is an employer that I can trust, who confidently knows that I am not out for his or her job, and who will show me the same values that they expect and desire from his or her employees. 

I’ve always worked better under the direction, and leadership of a man, they aren’t full of as much drama because face it, most women thrive on it, most women enjoy gossiping, and socializing, and it’s just not something I enjoy, and as I think back over my career thus far I realize that the positions I enjoyed the most, and was able to thrive in were under the direction of men who had very dominant personalities. 

Yes, I am submissive but, more than that I know what it is that I need to thrive, I need genuine leadership, I need someone who is an encourager above me, someone who doesn’t tear their employees down, and makes them feel valued, and a part of the bigger picture but, I was never able to put my finger on that statement, and fact until I re-read an old email from MS two nights ago that simply said:

“time to move forward and stand on your own now miss, you can do it, just think it all through and make daily progress.”

That man was my rock, he was my sun in the midst of so much darkness, and confusion, and it’s truly not that I want to replace him because, honestly no one could ever take his place in my life or heart but, it’s the fact of the matter that says he kept me going, he was my drive, and without him I’ve felt myself slipping into the “what do I do, which way do I go, how do I decide” mindset, and yes, at almost 30 years old that is kind of pathetic, I admit it but, when you are so use to having someone else make major life choices for you or at least give you their input then those decisions don’t just come on their own, and as a result, I look back at that email, and realize that he gave me my answer to every future question that I could possibly have without giving me the exact answer.

The answer is found in my goals, the answer is unless a decision gets me closer to where it is that I want to be, and who it is that I am or want to grow to be then it serves me absolutely no purpose.

My dream has always been to sing, not necessarily to teach, my dream has been to meet Mr. Right, start a family, sing, and have a career but, starting over when you feel all of the pressure in the world to get where you need to be now doesn’t leave room to start over, and be something that you use to want to be more than anything in the world, and therefore that needs to be left for ministry, for Sunday school,  for vacation bible school etc…

My answer is found within my goals, something that while I was still in GA he had me write down yet again for him.  I’m glad he did because, it becomes valuable in the now’s when I am faced with 2 and possibly a 3rd choice something I have never once had in my career but, what I am realizing is that as I begin to get out and date again really for the first time ever it applies to that situation as well.

He left me with so much wisdom, and direction, and one day when I get where it is that I have always wanted to be, I will have him to thank for it all because he really was my rock.

Have you established short, and long term goals for yourself?  If you have I’d enjoy reading them, and discussing.

The Thing That Speaks Volumes

What subject matter speaks volumes about you?  When people think of you what do they think about?  When you walk away, and start over again what legacy will you leave behind, and what will those that you are leaving behind miss?

I can still remember it like it was yesterday, I can still see myself sitting in Jason’s classroom finished with my homework already, and him smiling as he knew I was already finished and working on something else (probably a letter to my childhood best friend to give to him once that bell rang).

I was one of those students that never caused problems, a straight a student, a student with a passion for history, writing, public service, and anything that had anything to do with music, and theater, and what I have learned beginning this past Friday is that the great students who aren’t just great students but, who obviously walk with character, and integrity are never forgotten, and sometimes that is a very good thing.

Jason is one of those teachers that I never forgot, he was by far my favorite teacher that had nothing to do with music, and it’s because he believed in his students, and pushed those of us that he saw something in, and now 11 years later he is doing the same thing for me in my adult life, and I am so far beyond grateful for it.

Respect takes you to borders that are endless, being humble does the same, walking with character, and integrity leads you to places that you never once thought you would be with opportunities that could only be a gift because your walk through this life matters, and he is showing me that with the words “I can’t imagine asking anyone else to take this position on, I need someone that I can trust, I need someone that walks with character, with integrity, and who isn’t afraid to push, and challenge themselves, and I know you are all of those things and more.”

I’ve agreed to meet with him at 10:00 this morning but, what he doesn’t realize is that I have already accepted a position elsewhere as a music teacher at another school, living my dream.

Will I give my dream up which is only a part time position for this man who is going out of his way to help me, who believes in me, and who always saw the potential to excel even when others didn’t.  Believe it or not, I actually might because that is how much I respect him.

What would you do?

Should I Go? The Throw Away Mindset

One day people will get to the end of their life, and be shown the reality of the effects that their choices caused.  If there is a purgatory they’ll remain there, and if there isn’t there is heaven or hell to be sent to.

Right around the time that he died a picture in my bedroom of Christ with his arms stretched out began shaking.  It wouldn’t stop unless I placed my hand on the picture to stop it, and it didn’t stop on a nightly basis until the night that I found out that he died. 

Coincidence, I do not think so.  Instead what I think it was, was a message for me from him to pray for him.  My faith, and my beliefs were so strong, stronger than even his own mother’s, therefore I was the one that he trusted, it was my prayers that would have been answered, it was my heart that would need and receive release from it, and it was my promise to him that would remain kept because after all it was me he asked to pray for him to begin with.

I would give anything to pick up the phone and listen to him go on and on for an hour or so about the little things, life, and thoughts again, I’d give anything to hear him call me his worthless whore (just a pet name and trust me when I say in the beginning that name crushed me), I’d give anything to curl up next to him, put my head on his lap or against his heart, and watch a movie, some random tv show or, even sit through his favorite tv show the soup even though I didn’t find it funny at all again because, that was us.  I miss calling him to talk about the love triangle about hope, liam, and Wyatt on bold and the beautiful, I even miss his threats of getting the purple riding crop out when I came back to georgia this fall. 

I never thought this day would come so soon, I figured he’d be at least in his 70’s before the day arrived but, I think what hurts more is that his mother knowing how close we were, knowing the connection, and knowing the 11 years of history between us would wait 10 days to tell me, would cremate him, and make all kinds of arrangements knowing how he felt about all of the people that were there who let ignoring the only person that actually cared about him, and throwing her away like garbage.

Thousands of dollars of groceries, of bill payment help, of help in sickness, and rides to go birthday, and Christmas shopping apparently mean nothing to this woman, the connection, and bond apparently don’t either but, why this surprises me I have no idea given it was her, and her behavior that forced him to force me to move back to new york even though he and I both knew I did not want to come back here, and that what I really wanted was to stay with him.

That last morning, all of those tears that came out of his eyes, the desire to do more which I wouldn’t let him do because I needed to be in a normal mindset driving the distance I was, and facing sub drop through that didn’t seem like a good idea has now become such a huge regret for me because, at the time, I thought we had time, I thought I’d be there at the end of October, we’d been planning our Hibbachi date, and then a trip back to stone mountain and Atlantic station because those were my two favorite places in metro atlanta but, reality says that I and we ran out of time, and I and we never got to just be us because his mother was so busy only thinking about herself in the midst of the last 8 months that I was around that it destroyed the memories that we could have had, had she not meddled, and thrown the tantrums that she did.

When you treat someone that someone close to you loves like garbage, when you backstab, when you trash talk, when you purposely start bickering matches, and all out fights with them what you do is you create an impossible situation for enjoyment.  He wasn’t free, I wasn’t free, and it was impossible to be us in that mess which is why he sent me back to family because somewhere deep down he knew it was only a matter of time, and he knew that when it did his mother would do what she always does especially when that meant that she could finally get what she wanted and talk to her sons, and sister, and act like nothing ever happened. 

Honor, there is a part of me that wants to fly there and just go ballistic, there is a part of me that wants to walk in there and say get your hands off of his things, get your hands off of his computer, and don’t you dare sleep in that bed, take a bath in that Jacuzzi tub or, eat at that table that I and only I spent 11 years helping him with. 

That is my place, that is what he would want, and that is why he kept me as His because He trusted in me, confided in me, and trained me to be His bitch when appropriate only in this case the word worthless would no longer be in front of that word or the other that I mentioned above.

Do I hop on a plane?  A part of me has wanted to since the moment that she finally picked up the phone after 10 days of calling non stop.

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