“Diligence pays off.” I just quoted myself with this one because, it really is true.
When I lived in Georgia I faced so much opposition not just personally but, professionally as well, and that opposition is what led me to the choice to move back to my home town.
This transition has not been easy for me. Yes, there has been a lot of time spent with family. Yes, I have finally gotten to the point where I can confidently say for the first time ever that I do not want anything to do with Mr C but, at the end of the day, it is about so much more than that…
Over the last week I have been working at a local school that is infiltrated with special needs children, and they have needed extra help, and after speaking with my boss today who happens to be one of my old high school social studies teachers, he clued me in on the fact that he has gotten many phone calls about me telling him how great I am with the kids, and how great of a job that I am doing which does a dual job in proving to him that he can trust me to do what it is that he needs me to do in other areas, and the words that came out of his mouth brought tears to my eyes, and heart after I said the words, “Jason, I owe you more than I could ever repay you, thank you so much for everything you have done.” His words to me were “_____, you don’t owe me, or anyone else for becoming the woman that you have become over the last 12 years that you have been out of my classroom but, even 12 years ago I knew you would become successful, trustworthy, full of character, and integrity because, you had those character traits even back then, and everyone that knew you, knew you were different because, you were confident in who you were and are even back then (10th grade) and only have yourself to thank for who you have turned into today.”
Is he right? The more I think about it he is. Because I did fight to get here, I did sacrifice to get here, and I never gave up. Jamie was right, Jason was right, Chris is right, Randy was right, Jim is right, Amanda is right, Jerah is right, and even Mr. C was right because, my resilience, and diligence is very much a part of who it is that I am, and a huge character strength that I have ignored over the years.
Right after we got off the phone he graduated me from special ed straight to the high school, and tomorrow morning I will spend my day working with kids that are the same age as I was when my boss walked in to my life as a teacher. I want to be able to leave the impact on my students irregardless of the length of time that I am there that, that man left on me, and that is one of the biggest reasons why I said yes to doing this for him to begin with while I wait on the other position that he will have available to free up.
No matter what happens my old teacher remains my new boss but, now maybe more than ever before I have so much more respect for him than I have had for anyone in a very long time, and irregardless of what he thinks, believes or tries to drive through my very stubborn, determined, and diligent mind I truly am so grateful to him for believing enough in me to pull strings, and open doors that otherwise never would have opened without him being there, and doing what he is doing.
I owe him, and I know it but, again like I told him earlier, it’s a debt that I could never in my lifetime repay.
Have you ever experienced a life changing event that was the cause of nothing other than strings being pulled, and doors being opened for you by someone else? How did you show your gratitude and appreciation?
This evening I find myself at my second job. However, there is this customer that I have been getting to know since Sunday who just told me about the experience that he had earlier this afternoon with the Manager of the hotel that I work for, and no it wasn’t a pleasant one.
He ended the conversation with “_____, I mean it when I say, you are the best thing about this place.” and although I definitely fought the urge to let those words affect me I couldn’t help it, smiled, and said “Awww, well thank you.”
His eyes draw me in, they captivate me but, other than expecting me to do my job, he has another alterior motive and that is to get to know me because it seems as though he is as interested in me as I am interested in him but aside from us getting to know one another is he right? I am beginning to wonder. I like my employers but, I understand why customers have problems with them. They are not hospitable to customers, they are not helpful, they don’t call cabs, look up attractions or directions to potential places like I just broke from typing this post out to do for a customer who stopped in here hours ago for the night. The fact is that I enjoy what I do, I enjoy serving, and assisting other people, and look at it as a way of going above, and beyond to bring these customers back but, I am a dime a dozen to find because, no one else does this, and many of the stay over customers that have spoken with me have stated that.
Finding somewhere, where my personality can shine has not been easy. I enjoy what I do, and enjoy serving others but, I am limited in what I can do for people when it’s my own employers that are limiting me because they don’t understand how to continuously bring back customers.
Am I lying right now, no. I could name off a huge list of things that my employers could do to wow customers and make them want to keep coming back but, I’ve been told by so many staff members that no matter what I tell these people it will make absolutely no difference, no matter how many tips that I give them nothing will change, and therefore, I’m just going to keep my mouth shut so I don’t put my foot in my mouth and regret it later.
I love what I do but, what I am learning is that loving what you do, and being proud of what you do, and where you work are two totally different things when the place of your job has a horrible local reputation.
I’m glad I work more than one job, at least I can be proud of what I’m doing in that one, where at this one, I’m limited, and all to often wish that there was more that I could do or say to make my guests feel more welcomed, and served but, given what I know is that an unrealistic hope for the future. Maybe he and I are both right, and it is.
This afternoon in the midst of a crowded lunch room 2, 5 year old little girls took a glance at my hands and wanted to know the stories behind my rings, and after I told the backgrounds of each the sweet little girl on my left looked at me and said; “What about the one your husband gave you?”
I smiled, looked at her and said “Honey, I’m not married so I haven’t gotten one of those rings yet.” and she said “Oh well, why not?” and I said “Well, because the right one just hasn’t come along yet.” and her response was so precious that it left a smile on my face for the rest of the afternoon. She said. “You should wish upon a star, that’ll bring your prince charming to you.” and then the girl next to her chimed in, and said. “You should sit outside, and wish on a star tonight because you shouldn’t be all alone for the rest of your life.” and I just smiled, and said “You know what, that is a great idea, I think I will, thank you girls.”
The faith of 5 year olds absolutely amazes me. I wish I had it but, the truth is, is that it’s been long gone since mr. c. destroyed it. Jim said it recently himself with the whole “breathe and believe.” But, what am I even believing in anymore?
A part of me wishes that he would walk through the door right now, and just scoop me up so we can finally start this whole process in a way that’s different than the way it’s been for the last 5 years that we’ve known each other but, there is this other part of me that is terrified of letting anyone in because, I am terrified of getting hurt again.
Recently, I’ve started to let others in, but all I see is men who want and care about nothing more than just sex. Jim is the only one that isn’t doing that, and yesterday proved it because he knew that I was trying to keep something hidden from him, and the rest of the world, he knew I had been up to something and so, he sent me a text and asked me what I had been up to, and hiding because, I can’t get anything past him – and that is what I look for in the person that I’m with. Someone that I can’t get anything past, someone who will call me out on my bs, someone who sees when I screw it up, and points it out even if it doesn’t seem like the wrong choice at the time.
I have all of that and more in Jim, I had all of that and more in R. but, the only time I ever had it in mr. c. was when it was convenient for him, and he was trying to protect himself.
Can I gain back the faith of a 5 year old? After facing so much heartache, pain, destruction, and death I’m not sure that I can. It’s not that I don’t want to it’s that I don’t know if I can let my guard down that much but, even so, when I get out of work at midnight I might just have to go look for some stars, wish on one, and just breathe. Breathe, and Believe.
It is not all that often that I repost someone else’s writings especially if I know that person personally because, I want to keep this blog out of the sight of certain (actually many) individuals however, this one really hit home with me today, so much so that I wanted to share it all with you.
More on my thoughts and reflections of this later but, personally for me, I think it’s well worth the share, and urge you to all grab a cup of coffee, head on over to his blog, hit the follow button, and learn something from this guy because, it’s a rare day when I don’t.
The original posting can be found here: http://meikoseymour.com/blog/youcantnameme
It was a quiet Friday in the office as most of my Friday’s are. The majority of the staff where I work have the day off. I don’t and I love it. I get more work done on Friday than another day. Ok, back on topic. It was a quiet Friday in the office and I had been printing documents to prepare for our weekend worship services. I was just wrapping up and heading out of our Resource room where the printer is, when suddenly I hear, “You are so skinny”.
Yesterday, Sunday, I was sitting in our church service listening to my Pastor talk about serving and using our gifts for what God has called us to do. I hadn’t been very focused much of the message when my wife leaned over, sensing something being wrong, and asked, “Are you ok?” I responded, “I’m wrestling with God“.
Internally, I was on fire. I was trying to contain myself, struggling to hear God and fighting to feel, to see, if He could hear me. I was on the mat jarring with the Creator of the Universe; my Creator. The enemy had gotten into my head that morning saying things like, “You’ll never be good enough”, “What are you even doing here”, “What you do is not important”, “You are nobody”, “You are not valued”, “You don’t make an impact”, “You are worthless”. It went on and on. He had been naming me. I had struggled with those words, with those definitions of me all morning. And as I worshipped, I tried to give it to God but I felt like He would not take it. And so, I wrestled. I wrestled with him until He took it and replaced it with something.
And then Pastor said something that immediately was like a sucker punch to my throat [I knew it was God speaking].
Pastor said, “Some of you won’t even try to serve or do what God has called you to do because of the things people have said to you and about you. Some of you won’t even do what you’re meant to do because of the words that people have spoken over you.”
There are things that God has called us to be. There are things that God has called us to do. These are things we are afraid to approach because rolling around in our head somewhere are words spoken over our lives by the enemy and by others that tell us that we can’t do those things. There are words spoken over us that tell us that we aren’t good enough, handsome enough, smart enough, charismatic enough, strong enough. There are people who have called us worthless. They’ve made us feel small and insignificant. They’ve made us question the very fiber of our existence; they’ve called into question the reason we are here. These are the things that frighten us from becoming everything that God intended.
We must be careful not to label people. It is an unfair practice to determine and define who someone is without giving them the space to speak into your conclusion. I’ve come to realize that the more questions I ask people about themselves, the more I strive to go deeper with someone, the more wrong I was about them in my initial assumptions. When we begin to name people based off of observations, you force people to operate in a box that you created that no one ever gave you to power or right to. We make decisions for people based off of these boxes and often the decisions we make FOR someone are so far off base that you begin to shape people into becoming someone or something they’re not. Ultimately, the judgements, the labels, the definitions that you give, are often times hurtful and are absolutely opposite of what God has called them.
If you didn’t make me, you can’t name me.
I’ve always been really thin. In fact, I weighed between 120lbs -125lbs for most of my twenties. I don’t know why. I’ve worked out. I eat a ton. I’m really active too. I just could not put on a ton of weight. I’ve always dealt with someone saying something about my weight. It seems that not a day passes that I don’t hear something about how thin I am, it bothers me. What I actually hear is, “you are not good enough”. It stinks. What’s even worst is that I have been celebrating with my close friends who know how I feel about this, the fact that over the last few months I have gained weight averaging between 137lbs – 143lbs…yet I still get those that say things. I’m working out and eating and my Doctor says that I am really healthy. Though through someone else’s perspective, they look at me and see “small”, “weak”, “thin”, “kid”. There are people who even treat me or see me differently because of my size. And each time they give a look or make a statement, I feel less than. Do you have any areas of your life like this?
I’m opening up about this because this is one example of when we say things like this, we are placing an identity on someone based on our perspective and our notions. It’s not fair.
To those of us who struggle with words that have been placed on us, I would challenge you to get in the Bible and read what God says about you. Those words are loud, clear, sound, stable, true, and irrevocable. God made you. He claims you. He named you Sons and Daughters of the most high. He calls you strong and mighty. He calls you courageous.
I’ve never really dated. I’ve always just entered into a relationship with someone, and gone from there. My heart gets attached to easily, and then there is the fact that I want my happily ever after possibly so much more than I want anything else that dating has always seemed like a waste of time.
When you realize though that the days of courting are over with, that men don’t just want sex but expect sex by the 3rd to 5th date what do you do? I have never been one to just give it up and away but, given the times I am realizing that this is something that I am going to have to start finding comfort with, and honestly I hate it.
We all have needs, and sure, I will admit I do too. I enjoy sex but it doesn’t dominate my brain by any means, I enjoy the lifestyle but, for as much as I do enjoy the lifestyle the sexual aspect is not something that I want to base my relationship off because most of the men don’t know what to do with a girl with values, and self respect because, they are to use to demanding, and getting what they want, and it makes it harder for girl’s like myself, and others who are similar or, just like me.
I’ve said it on my own profile page recently. This lifestyle creates an internal battle with myself and it’s because it creates a mind over matter scenario that leads to a heart over matter scenario, and it’s a situation that never usually ends well because my morals, and values are always to high to settle for just sex.
Do I need to learn to relax, and enjoy, I absolutely do but, the reason I don’t is because I do not want to get hurt again. Every guy I end up with ends up never committing, every guy I end up with ends up viewing me as a toy or in my ex Fiance’s case a puppy. Something that in the beginning of our relationship I told him that I didn’t want to be or become, and look what he did…he manipulated his way into my heart, and life, ripped away everything I cared about, took away my self respect, and dignity, and made me his puppy before I even realized what it was that he was doing for the real reason he was doing it.
That isn’t a Master, that isn’t a Dominant, that is nothing but a manipulative narcissist who is a perpetual liar, and con artist.
I want more this time but, will I do what I always do and settle for less? It’s more than a possibility because it always tends to happen.