It’s not that I want someone to emotionally hurt me please do not get me wrong but, the question that I am asking myself is: Why is it that every time that someone I have let in, trusted, and loved emotionally cuts me I find a little more about myself out?
No one wants to feel the pain that I have , no one wants to feel pain at all but, what I’m realizing is that it’s been in the most painful moments of my life that I have learned the most about myself, and it’s almost as though I need that pain in order to get there which probably sounds very odd to anyone reading this, I know.
I dont like it this way, I dont want it to be this way but, what if that is the way that I am made? What if it takes me being forced into dark places to realize just who it is that I am for all that I am, and come to a place where I can confidently say, I don’t care what people think, I don’t care what people say, and I sure as hell don’t want to change back because, for the first time in a very long time I am beginning to realize just how happy I am?
Life is a journey, happiness is a choice but, so is the end of the story, and we all individually have the right to say “This is not how the story is going to end.”
I’ve spent a lot of time today reflecting on my goals for this year, and doing some general research, and it’s led me to a place where even though I understand much more about what is going on inside of me right now I am still unsure of where this is all leading me. I know things connect together but, how they tie in, I am not entirely sure. I know one thing for certain though and that is that I look forward to the day that I know is close (metaphorically speaking) in order to find out.
Letting Go, It’s one of the hardest things to do but, the peace that it brings is something that you don’t experience until you learn to do it with love as the foundation behind it.
Until the last couple of weeks I’ve never done this before. I’ve never known how to, never really understood that I needed to, and yet it’s been 2 weeks, and even though I’ve had a few reminders that have brought the hurt to the surface I have yet to run back, and hold on to what weighs my heart down the way that I was but, why? Why was I holding on so tightly to someone that I value, love, and respect so much? That’s simple because, I was afraid to let go. I was afraid of my own insecurities and fears that others had caused over the years of feeling and being alone especially when the truth is that I don’t even know what I really did to cause all of this to happen and even with that I don’t know how it got to this point?
When you truly love someone or, at the very least care about someone what you want the most is to see them happy. Not the fake happy that many portray but, truly happy, and even though I’ve wanted that in this case, it wasn’t until that conversation happened that I realized just how much I have let the hurt consume me all over a choice that has never made sense to me.
E. admitted to meeting him the day before the blow up yesterday but, it was more than that she admitted to me that she was the cause of the blow up because of her assumptions not because of anything that I ever said but, because, she assumed due to my hurt over everything that had happened, and my overall lack of clarifying while trying to keep both his and my privacy as my biggest concern for not wanting to go into to much detail that we had been in a relationship or, that at one point he at the very least collared me which isn’t at all the case. At one point possibilities for more than what it had been were discussed but, it never ended up happening.
How many other people have assumed that, how many other people have seen the hurt that I have internalized and not talked about anywhere but here, and assumed the very thing that isn’t the truth that has caused him to make the choices that he has on more than one occasion?
It’s not my fault. I’m not responsible for other people’s assumptions but, I am responsible for my response which was to simply say “I can see why you would assume that, and I forgive you for expressing those assumptions to him but, you do see why that assumption portrayed as a fact would upset him right, you can see why bringing it up at all after I’ve asked you politely to not do that would upset him?” That came up after I initiated the conversation by saying “I’m trying to understand how “I did this, and it’s my fault” when I don’t talk to anyone, I’m trying to understand what it is that I said to anyone that would lead them to believe that we were in a relationship or, that he collared me because, I’ve never once said that to anyone.” and that’s when she bit, and couldn’t take it anymore, and said “I might have insinuated that you had, not realizing that, that wasn’t the case. That blowup was in response to the discussion that we had when we met him for a beer the night before the conversation between the two of you happened.”
I sat at the edge of her bed already knowing that she had something to do with it because my spirit already knew given the fact that I knew neither Chaos or I had spilled the beans to anyone about what happened, and the only people that knew were my roommates, I just didn’t know the full details of what had been said. I sat at the edge of her bed not sure how to respond because, she didn’t just break my trust in that, she created a battle that I can’t win because, if she of all people insinuated all of those assumptions to him as facts rather than just assumptions, and she’s the person who is the closest to me of course he’s going to believe it even though it was all on assumption.
It doesn’t change anything though. I still don’t have a choice or a say in the matter All I can do is let go, and hope that she has enough integrity to set the record straight to him if it’s eating at her as much as she has told me that it is given the response that she saw in me as it was happening, and after the fact.
Will she? And even if she does will it change anything?
This morning I found myself in a meeting, and even though I didn’t recognize her the woman recognized me from the music team at the church, and she said the words, I don’t know why, and I don’t know details about your life or why I would need to say this to you at all but, I’m getting a very direct and distinct message to tell you that “God, never gives you more than you can handle, you are being tested, the truth will come out but, you need to continue to keep being still, and patient because, the time for what you are waiting for is closer than you think it is.”
I just looked at her with a closed mouth smile on my face in disbelief, and said, “Yes, I know what it’s about, and all I can say is thank you.” I’d never met this woman before, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen her before (maybe in passing but, that’s besides the point). This woman knew nothing about me, there’s no possible way that she could, and yet, she said that. It’s aligning with what others have said which leads me to say being still is not easy, it’s actually really hard but, so is letting go, and having the faith and belief that everything will work out the way that it’s suppose to when it’s suppose to. All that you can do is trust; not in other people but, instead trust your spirit, and whatever higher power it is that you identify with.
Hope and Faith are the only two things that are stronger than fear but, yesterday afternoon when E. said the words “Misty, you have shown me your worth, you have shown me your character, your integrity, your heart, and everything else that makes you, you, and I love you for being so uniquely yourself, and such a beautiful person on the inside, and out because, I’ve never met anyone like you before, and I mean that in the most loving of ways because, of all the people that claim themselves as Christians you are the only one that has ever truly shown me that you really are. Your light is illuminating, and I can’t imagine anyone not seeing it unless they are blind.” I realized in that moment that contrary to what it is that has been said the people that tear you down, accuse you, hurt you, and betray you all have to see the same thing but, it’s not your responsibility to make them see it, and treat you right (generally speaking). You can’t force it on people, you can only live life, and hope that they do, and forgive them when they don’t.
I’ve let him go but, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about, and love him because the truth is that I do. Some connections don’t die even when you do let go, and what I’ve learned is that whatever this connection is, it’s one of those. We have a “Unique Relationship” alright; if I can’t find words to describe it, if he’s pushed me away, and I’ve held on, and then let go both out of such a pure love that I don’t even understand the reasons behind when all this has ever been about was sex there is more to this, the question is just what? But, it’s not something I am focusing on because, my choice is to keep working on me in the stillness, and not focus on the doubt, and insecurities that do nothing but, damage you the more that you hold on to them.
If everything that I was told would happen is happening now then, when does the final part happen because it is attached? Maybe it’s through letting go that, that comes but, as Zack said a few weeks ago “It’ll Happen In Time.” It’s ok to hope, and it’s ok to have faith but, it’s not ok to stop living while you wait in the stillness. There are plenty of things to do, it just doesn’t mean everyone necessarily has to see it because, your life isn’t about them, it’s about you.
This morning I logged into fet, I don’t know why, I guess out of habit, and stumbled on a writing about worth, and making someone feel worthy after they’ve been lied to either by their own insecurities or by someone they cared about, and I totally resonated with it which is what led me to want to write this out.
Words are powerful, they can hurt us but, they can also heal us.
When I read that post this morning I realized that I have experienced the power of both. I think we all have but, it led me to sit and reflect on my own heart compared to others and realize that you can forgive the hurtful words spoken into you but, they never really leave therefore, they can’t really be forgotten. The pain of them leaves in time but, when the wounds are still fresh, they cut, and they cut deeply, and if it’s someone that we really care about emotionally cutting us the depth of those cuts deepens leaving scars which leads to lasting memories.
So what do you do? Do you just choose to not let anyone new in? Do you guard your heart, and hope that the next person or set of people that you do allow in won’t do the very same thing that the people or person in your past has done?
A couple nights ago I found myself revamping my OKC. Why, I don’t know because, to be totally, and completely honest the thought of letting anyone in right now repulses me because, of what’s been shown to me so many times over by the four out of five men that I have completely let in over the years, and when it comes to women in general I’ve been burned by people I once considered to be my best friends so, if people wonder why I seclude myself these days and don’t talk to anyone that would be why.
Words can hurt, and words can heal, the words we choose to use in any given situation are a choice but, even when people make the choice to use hurtful words to or, about us we still have a choice to make in how we respond, and what I’ve learned is the best thing to do is respond with love either by speaking it or, saying nothing at all.
It’s weird how Jay of all people just responded to what it is that I said on fet about the power of words as a prelude to this post but, what he said is actually true “Some can also convey information that, perhaps being not what you want to hear can hurt, will also free you of a far more damaging delusion. Pain, pleasure, and benefits are primarily within your own perception, which with time you CAN determine. In the case of someone telling you that you have “no worth”, you will realize the danger of putting more stock in what other people think than your own thoughts and knowledge.”
My first thought was “Does he know details of the conversation that took place a couple weeks ago because, given what he just said it would appear that way?” but, then I let it go, and really sat, and reflected on what he was saying, and realized how true it is regardless of whether or not he knows because, it doesn’t matter to me. If 6 months of mandatory counseling taught me anything it was that I am entitled to how I feel. I’m allowed to be hurt, I’m allowed to be angry, I’m allowed to cry if I want to fucking cry, I’m allowed to seclude myself, and be still if that is what my spirit is telling me to do, and it feels right then no one else can stop me from doing any of those things or force me into taking a different path just because, it’s what they want for me. I’ve spent my entire life being told what to do even when there have been times when doing those things have done more damage than good not just to the situation but, to me as a whole, and it’s in that realization that nothing has ever been about me, and that people are so incredibly selfish because, they don’t realize the effects that their choices have on you, and they don’t want to understand or, see the pain that they put you through because, it doesn’t fit their fantasy, not mine but, theirs because, my heart regardless of whether other people want to believe it or not has never been anything but, pure.
I define my own worth, and the truth is that we all do just as we accept and tolerate the actions and forms of love that we deem acceptable even if deep down all that we really want is for people to see the real us for all that we really are, and be accepted for it and sometimes be enough. The person that, that post was for this morning actually found themselves in the same position that I found myself in two weeks ago, and unlike me she posted about it on fet without mentioning names, and I saw where he responded to her with comforting words when just a couple hours before he was tearing me down, and making me feel the same exact way that she was feeling in that moment. Is that fair to me, absolutely not. Was it hypocritical of him – I’ll be honest, and say that in my mind and heart it absolutely was but, can I change it, and can I just forget about it – not really because, the words, and actions have cut me so deeply at this point that all I can do is forgive him.
I don’t want to be his or anyone elses enemy but, what I do want is to be valued, and respected. Is that wrong? No, it’s not, regardless of what others may lead you to believe because, they don’t define your worth, they don’t fight your inner demons, fears, and insecurities, and they don’t battle the effects that their words, and choices have on you, and they never will so defending yourself, and standing up for you, and all that you really are should never come with the price tag of being made to feel like you aren’t enough, like you aren’t good enough, and like no matter what you do or don’t do it’s the wrong choice because, the more that you do that the more that you sacrifice just a little bit more of yourself, and that’s never the right choice to make.
The realization hit me today that the quote is true. “The second that you feel that you have to prove your worth to anyone, it is time to walk away.” Regardless of how much it might hurt to end up feeling like you are doing the same thing that they did to you because again, you shouldn’t have to prove your worth to anyone.
Have you ever wondered how to attract the opposite sex in a positive way? Have you ever wondered how to attract the right people to you that you will actually want to date and eventually enter into a committed relationship with?
It begins with you. Does that sound odd? If so, let me explain. We attract and accept the love that we believe that we deserve, and if we only believe that we deserve to have someone mediocre in our lives then that is who we will attract.
Knowing ourselves, knowing who we are, what we value, and what we believe is a process. Developing that understanding and acceptance takes years but, begins in early childhood however, for some of us the understanding of this doesn’t always come into play until at the very least our late teens, early 20’s or possibly even our 30’s depending on the experiences of our lives.
As you continue to grow you will realize that there are certain qualities, and characteristics of the people that you want to attract, and won’t be able to settle for less than from, and the following list are just a few that are on my mandatory list.
- Self Control and Self Discipline
- Compassion For Others
- Self Respect
- Spiritually In Tune
- Strong Willed
- Pure Motives
If you dont want people to know dont do stupid shit that will get you in trouble, raped, killed or, anyone else for that matter.
So, I just woke up to hear the front door being banged on at 2:30 am by none other than the local police department. Given the fact that I am a very heavy sleeper it took me a minute to process the fact that it wasnt a dream, and to actually open my eyes and go out to answer the door however, when I did get to that point instead of answering the door I found myself greeted by 6 cops that had their guns drawn because my wonderful roommates decided to leave the house, and not lock the door as they left which left the door literally to the wind, and open it came at some unknown time to me.
So yes, after being woken up like that along with some questioning to make sure I actually lived here I’m not so sure that I can go back to sleep but, it is what it is I guess because, they refuse to listen to the fact that there have been burglaries in this area a lot lately in the last year, and the items stolen included guns because, they stole Mike’s, and if I remember right Kevin’s too. What they would get out of my rim key without taking my rims I still dont know but that is besides the point.
Yeah, I might have had to go look at myself in the mirror just to see what it is that those hot men were staring at after the fact (I still havent gotten hit on just incase a certain someone is wondering). But, the part that pisses me off is that the roommates came back a few minutes later and said “Dont tell anyone” Seriously, and I said it to him too I was like “Really, if you dont want anyone to know about the shit that goes on in this house maybe you should start being more responsible because all of this stuff is logged.” One of the cops even made a remark about a night a few weeks ago, and I just said yeah, that was this house but, what goes on is none of my business, and unless one or both kids needs supervision or the interior needs to be cleaned I don’t get involved. At that point the one female officer and I went up to check on the 13 year old that was sound asleep, and once I had made sure that she was infact in bed and hadn’t left which with her behavior lately sneaking boys over, and then disappearing for hours at a time I wouldn’t put it past her I just closed the door, and her and I walked back down the corridor but, not before I made the remark “fucking irresponsible people.” And the sad thing is, is they all laughed, and one of the guys made the remark that even though he knew I had just woken up it was quite obvious that I was the responsible one in the house because I asked them if there was a car in the driveway, and when they said no, I knew that, that just meant to check on the 13 year old and not the baby too but, that right there proves my point too because it was 2:30 am and a baby doesn’t need to be out at that hour especially when it is freezing cold outside but, neither does an adult that hasnt slept who leaves for work at 4am but, hey not my circus, not my monkeys and I am just at a point with it all where I have to say “what the hell are you thinking because you are apparently not.”